This season has been very hard for me. It has been a time of great sorrow and loss. In the past two years, I have lost three children. One after birth and two by miscarriage. My husband was diagnosed with a lifelong medical condition and I struggled with PTSD from the death of my son. We have faced financial difficulties and tremendous strain in our marriage.
In this season, the things I have held dear have been shown to me to be very fragile. I have been made aware of where my faith and trust truly lies. The eye-opening reality is, it’s not usually with God.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely trust in God, believe that He is there and that He’s got my best in mind. But what I don’t do is, I don’t get all my needs met by Him. I pray for something, like say, when my daughter was in the hospital and we were facing a possible cancer diagnosis, I prayed for her healing. That in itself, of course, is not wrong but I wanted her, and her healing way more than I wanted God.
I was going to God in prayer because I knew He had the ability to heal her. And that’s what I really wanted. I didn’t want God to show me His heart in the situation, and I didn’t seek His comfort, or desire to be closer to Him through it. These weren’t conscious thoughts, but insights I gained later on. My trust in God and seeking His comfort came down the road as I opened myself up more and more to Him.
In the beginning, I put my hope in God’s ability to heal my daughter, not in Him alone.
When we face difficult things in life, it is good to remember that God and His goodness are separate from our circumstances. Having good things happen does not make God good just as bad things happening doesn’t make God bad, uncaring, or not present.
I have desired to follow God with all my heart, all my mind, and all my strength for some time. In the last few years, it has become my focus, I regularly pray to be taught how to follow God with reckless abandon. The more I have prayed and experienced, the harder I realize it is.
Following Jesus is hard, worth it, but hard. The steps I have taken towards trusting have been small and not all at once. But in order to make any progress, I need Jesus to continually show me when I have gotten off track. It’s hard to face situations where we have to choose, isn’t it? It is easy to wonder why can’t we just have it all? Why can’t we follow God and have the things we hold dear all at the same time?
It’s important to remember that the situations we face are not because God doesn’t want us to love or cherish other important things in our lives. He desires all of our hearts first so that our love for the gifts He gives us is complete.
I hope you feel encouraged as you read this. Hard times are hard and God gets it. He gets you. Continue seeking His face.